The Second Badgers Golf Society Day was held on Saturday, 6th September at Edenbridge Golf Club, Kent and phew!, what a scorcher!  Building on the success of the first outing at Farleigh Court back in May, twenty-eight Badgers took to the course for 27 holes of golf and established a course record by draining the club bar of 140 pints of Guinness through the course of the day.  Top Badgers!  Such is the pull of the Badgers, people had flown in from Dublin and travelled down from the Midlands just for the day so thanks to all for attending.

Many Badgers decided to stay on to watch the England rugby game beat the French and drink even more Guinness, with a hardcore of Badgers spending the rest of the evening foraging for food and drink in Edenbridge town center – more of this top Badgering behavior later!  After the long, hot, dry summer the course was a bit weather-beaten (like Mark Smiths face) with the fairways harder than Caruso’s nose and the greens (more like the browns) leaving a little to be desired – the beer at Davy’s gets watered more and there was more civil engineering going on around the course than at the wharf! 

However, intent on enjoying themselves the Badgers descended on the course with a vengeance.  Beating the weathermen at their own game, none of the forecast rain appeared (like Mike Stone’s money) and the day remained dry and sunny with the slapheaded Badgers amongst us getting a tad scorched – must wear that cap Mr Cutts!  Following the standard Badgers tradition of toasting each round with a glass of Port (until Lee Appleby drove off with the bottles), the morning 9 hole/four-ball Texas Scramble was decided with a top score of 29.

Congratulations to the winning team of Richard ‘The Badger’ Gent, David Bullock (2 out of 2, well done cowboy!), Richard Maggs and Mike Stone who all won a £25 Nevada Bob voucher for their efforts.  Following a Guinness refresher to wash down a hearty brunch, battle commenced on the main course (following further toasts of Port once we’d caught up with Lee) for the Individual Badgers Trophy.

Winning Texas Scramble; Richard Maggs, Richard Gent, Dave Bullock and Mike Stone

With a £75 Nevada Bob voucher for 1st, £50 for 2nd and £25 for 3rd, the competition was hardfought (you mercenary bastards) and was closely won (on countback) by Andy Kimpton with a superb tally of 38 points.  

Andy Kimpton collecting his winning trophy

Second place was John Chapman with a solid performance, but even more impressive was his ability to talk over Harry ‘Foghorn’ Cutts. Top Badger!  A well earned third was John Deely with an impressive but unexpected 36 points.  Unused to being so high up the leaderboard John developed a nosebleed halfway round which could only be stemmed by dipping his snout into 10 pints of Guinness following the game.  Superb Badgering Mr Deely!

 

 

 

 

 Frank ‘The Pro’s Friend’ Kingham was so laden down with a dazzling array of weaponry on his first outing it must’ve been like learning to drive in Schumacers F1 car, but Big Frank proved everybody wrong and showed he could hit a cow’s behind with a banjo by totaling 13 points on his first outing.  Unfortunately Simon ‘Hilary High Pants’ Crossland and Mark ‘Whispering Grass’ Smith showed they couldn’t.  Must be something to do with the tailoring.  Unfortunately Smithy’s Ain’t Half Hot Mum shorts (lovely boy, lovely boy) distracted the Badgers Committee so much we forgot about his forfeit to stand on a chair and sing ‘Wild-Thing’ in it’s entirety.  Still, the shorts and a Stableford score of a massive 11 points were humiliation enough.

Mark ‘Whispering Grass’ Smith (Spot the Difference)

Simon has been awarded a special prize by the Badgers – the Christopher Columbus award for the amount of fresh, unchartered territory he discovered on the day.  Unfortunately Simon is considering selling his clubs and taking up a new hobby of painting watercolours – apparently he’ll use less strokes….. Other disappointing Badger performances were Gerry ‘Lofty’ Crombie scraping 14 points (plays his golf like his diet – avoids greens) and Paul ‘Driving Miss Daisy’ Comerford’s 18 points.

Paul forsook any chance of a decent score by electing to drive and staying sober. A quick call to his wife has confirmed he always performs better drunk. Dick Watts was brought out of retirement but could only muster 21 points (some retirement! Most retirees live it up – Dick played more like the living dead) and as for Tim Down, we’ve seen better swings in a condemned playground.  Steve Hook lost more balls than stableford points scored.  Awesome. Hovering around the middle of the scoreboard as well was Derek ‘Monty’ Montgomery (not after Colin, after General as he fought a long, hard battle through the sand).

Badgers moving up the scoreboard on this outing were Dave ‘Bad Knees’ Bullock (should’ve listened to your Mum, what with the glasses as well we’ll be checking his palms for aftershave next time out) with a credible 29, and Alec ‘Son of Jim’ Vallintine with 29.  Good Badgering boys, keep up the good work (in fact do any work!).  Steve ‘Fat Badger’ Sharp ended his fantastic run of winning a trophy at his last 46 consecutive Society Days – what a great two months he’s had – leaving his wife Sue a very happy woman.  Last time she was so relieved was when Steve told her he was impotent.

New Badgers of note were Richard ‘Chesire Cat’ Maggs who keep smiling all day (he’s the one who looked like a fox wiping it’s backside with a wire brush), Alan ‘Mullet’ Ruddy who showed us all what a great pair of breasts he’s got by changing on the first tee (get a haircut son!) and John ‘Where’s the Bar?’ Collier who started the day off with a brandy at 07.30 – all Badgers please take note.  Other credible performances were Harry ‘The Mason’ Cutts modelling his new lodge trousers.  Perhaps next time he’ll tee-off in his pinny.  Harry’s playing partners can’t confirm whether he used a secret handshake, all they know is that is was as limp as usual.

 Harry 'The Mason' Cutts

Alan '34ff' Ruddy

All in all an enjoyable days Badgering topped off with the chance to watch the England boys in their pre-World Cup build-up shaft the French before a select band of Badgers headed off for an evenings entertainment.  And boy, was it entertaining….

 Other Attendees (all left to right);

 Frank Kingham, Alec Vallintine and Derek Montgomery

Paul Comerford, Dick Watts, Lee Appleby and John Collier

Tony Cameron, Tim Down and Harry Cutts

Gerry Crombie, Simon Tuson, Mike Healy and Simon Crossland

Alan Ruddy, Mark Smith, Steve Hook and John Nelson

John Chapman, Andy Kimpton, Steve Sharp and James Renkin

Unable to attend the mornings Texas Scramble were the Midlands Badgers John Deely and Nigel Smith who more than made up for this absence with their behaviour in the evening.   

Scores & Handicaps;

The Scores on the Doors are listed below. Having cast a rheumy, bloodshot eye over the days efforts Sharpie has taken time out his residency in Daveys (he’s doing a Blaine and seeing how long he can exist on just Guinness and white port) and has adjusted the handicaps to bring the scores a bit closer on the next one.  Any complaints, any moans, any sulking (Smithy) will be dealt with in the normal manner. Daveys!

1st Andy (Big Head) Kimpton, 38 Points Off 13 New Handicap 9

2nd John (Choir Boy) Chapman, 38 Points Off 18 New Handicap 14

3rd John (Chappy) Deely, 36 Points Off 28 New Handicap 24

4th Steve (The Vicar) Sharp, 35 Points Off 9 New Handicap 8

5th Richard (Smiler) Maggs, 31 Points Off 22 New Handicap 20

6th John (Whopper) Nelson, 31 Points Off 18 New Handicap 17

7th John (Where’s the Bar) Collier, 30 Points Off 26 New Handicap 22

8th Dave (Bad Knees) Bullock, 29 Points Off 28 New Handicap 26

9th Alec (Fat Boy) Vallintine, 27 Points Off 21 New Handicap 20

10th Alan (The Dresser) Ruddy, 27 Points Off 14 New Handicap 13

11th Mike (No Cab) Stone, 27 Points Off 28 New Handicap 26

12th Simon (Next Job) Tuson, 26 Points Off 21New Handicap 20

13th Tony (Air Miles) Cameron, 23 Points Off 14 New Handicap

14 14th Richard (Thee Badger) Gent, 22 Points Off 23 New Handicap 22

15th Nigel (The Quiet Man) Smith, 22 Points Off 28 New Handicap 26

16th Derek (Monty) Montgomery, 22 Points Off 12 New Handicap 12

17th Mike (The Grass) Healy, 21Points Off 24 New Handicap 22

18th Dick (The Slice) Watts, 21Points Off 28 New Handicap 26

19th Steve (Lost Balls) Hook, 21Points Off 28 New Handicap 28

20th Gerry (Lofty) Crombie, 20 Points Off 14 New Handicap 16

21st Tim (Silicon) Down, 20 Points Off 21New Handicap 22

22nd Paul (Nigel Mansel) Comerford, 18 Points Off 24 New Handicap 26

23rd James (Dame Edna) Renkin, 19 Points Off 26 New Handicap 28

24th Harry (The Mason) Cutts, 14 Points Off 28 New Handicap 28

25th Lee (Stockings) Appleby, 13 Points Off 36 New Handicap 36

26th Frank (The Pro) Kingham, 12 Points Off 36 New Handicap 36

27th Mark (Wild Thing) Smith, 11 Points Off 17 New Handicap 18

28th Simon (Harry No Hope) Crossland, 9 Points Off 28 New Handicap 50

The next Badgers Day is The Santas Special to be held at Birchwood Golf Club in Swanley, Kent on the 6th December.  The next month will allow the groundstaff to put in some new tee boxes about 50 yards from the green so Simon and Mark can compete in their own game of pitch and oh, whoops, where the hell did that one go. Get your money to Mr Gent and we’ll see you there.  Sorry for the delay in issuing the update, but the World Cups on and Daveys have got a whole new bevy of barmaids in which have had to be investigated. 

The committee members are now off to Marbella for the Spanish Inquisition so if we survive a weekends hard golf and even harder boozing we’ll see you at Birchwood.  Happy Badgering!

Pictures From Edenbridge;

And finally onto the evening.  The Badgers excelled themselves this time by managing to offend a whole restaurant full of people in their desperate hunt for food and drink (well drink anyway) after a hard days golf.  How we were to know we’d chosen the most exclusive restaurant in Edenbridge to descend upon?  Ah well.  Moulin Blanc was well and truly Badgered.  Big Nige gave a helping hand behind the bar and endeared himself to all of our fellow diners with his bon accord.  Anybody ever bumps into an extremely upset wing commander pass on our regards.  And if anybody ever finds Smithy’s cab, send it away.  We did!

Reservoir Badgers – Mr Turquoise, Mr Blue, Mr Grey, Mr Fat Badger

Mark ‘No Taxi, No Food’ Smith & Friends

Three More Drinks Mr Sharp? Fank you. Schmasink

Sharpie Demonstrates His Famous Grip

Nigel Smith (During)

Nigel Smith (Next Morning – as in as rough as a…)